Bad Things Happen to the Best People

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written, or felt compelled to write to you. I just learned though of another couple who just lost their baby boy. It sent me spiraling right back to that night we learned we’d lost you my peanut. I haven’t been blank stairs and stuck in a loop of PTSD for a while now but learning that last night brought me right back to the couch when we came home from your 28 week appointment. My world stopped spinning.

Today hasn’t been too much better. I’ve been able to be present for Vivienne but when I’m not with her I find myself drifting off to the land of PTSD. I haven’t been stuck in just the ultra sound room though. I’ve been everywhere…just running the whole horrible experience over and over in my head. I feel for them and I feel for me at the same time. It’s an odd space to be in. No one should have to suffer the loss of their child ever… but I so freshly know the pain, grief, guilt, anger, and the feeling of falling face first on to rock bottom.

My heart just aches for them, it’s stirred all the illogical thoughts again. I woke up hoping that news was just a dream, like I did the morning I went to the hospital to have you sweet baby. I’ll never understand why such horrible things happen to the best people. It just is not fair. It truly seems that if you want to have a happy healthy baby – just do it all wrong!

I’m so mad and frustrated for them, and us but I want to be there for them and be strong for them. It just seems so wrong that there’s only a degree of separation between us to have this happen. I’ve written before that you never know when your story could become someone else’s survival guide. It just seems so so unfair though. I want to go and support them but I’m not so stupid as to think that going to a baby’s funeral isn’t going to be INCREDIBLY difficult for me.

Acceptance is hard, moving forward in life is hard. I feel like I’ve been knocked back into that head space of learning how precious life is and how quickly it can change. Wrap me in your love Eloise. Mommy needs it today and in the days to come. I know you’re with me, but help me feel you.

Love, Mommy