It’s been a hard week and it’s only Wednesday. Monday sweet baby was not your due date but it was always the day you’d be arriving. Mommy was evicting you if you’d not decided on a more grand entrance prior to March 27, 2023. That day will forever be painful for mommy and daddy. I hope one day it becomes a day that we find it in us to celebrate but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that, peanut.
This week has been compounded by a waiting game not only with potential insurance changes, but also waiting for the final report to find out what happened to you sweet baby. Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting somewhere between Earth and Heaven because I know we’re forever tied together Eloise. You’ll always be my baby, nothing could ever change that and no one could ever replace you. I’m trying though to prepare my mind, and my body for your sibling that’s yet to come. I know one day we’ll have another baby – I feel that within my core.
Sitting in this limbo though with all these different doctors and issues that need to be addressed but not being able to do anything for a couple more weeks has me feeling more emotional given you should be here. It’s been hard now not to imagine all the things I’d be doing with you had you chosen to stay. I think I’m struggling a little more now than in the last month or so because you should be here.
I’ll work through it. It’s just a process. I need answers and I can’t get them right now. I’m spinning in circles without a lot of direction. I know what I want to do though. I am beginning to realize that no matter what happens at the end of this week, I cannot go back to Christ. I need a whole new environment in the coming pregnancy. This is the part I think I just need to give to God and trust that I will have a care team that is going to listen to me this time and allow me to advocate not only for myself but for my baby.
Talking to you like this helps Eloise…
I hope I’m doing you justice in living your life out loud. We’re really trying, daddy and me but some days I think we both just get stuck in missing you. We’re pouring all our love into Vivienne. I think some days she feels our sadness still, I hate that. It’s hard to find a balance in loving her so fiercely and not spoiling her too much. I know she knows you, I’m sure she sees you because I also know you’re always with me. I feel your presence and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
A new song came out this week and it really was perfect timing. I’ve been listening to it thinking about you. Music has always helped me heal so I’m hoping the rest of this new Ed album is just as good as this song. until then, I’ll be dancing with my eyes closed… I love you sweet Peanut.
Oh, mommy and daddy finally gave approval for your stone this week so hopefully that is done soon and your tiny grave is finally marked. I don’t like that it has taken this long but we wanted it to be perfect, like you.
okay – mommy will talk to you soon baby. Love you forever.
Remembering Eloise Estelle 