One Month Has Passed Since I Found Out You Left Me

My Dearest Eloise,

A month has passed since I learned you had gone. Everyday has been a challenge in some way. I think about you every day, sometimes most of the day and wish you were still here – that I was still pregnant, awaiting your arrival in a little over 6 weeks from now. Some days it doesn’t feel real still, like maybe I’ll wake up from this nightmare and our family will be complete as we’d once planned.

Sweet baby I hope you know we could never replace you with another child. I’ve struggled with this feeling since I learned you were gone. I’ve lived in that ultrasound room so many days… woken up there so many times in the middle of the night. It’s so hard… I don’t think there’s anything I could have done to save you sweet peanut; at least that’s what the doctors have told me. I hate that my body couldn’t protect you though, that my bodies inability to function properly is the reason you’re not here. I don’t say that out of guilt, I say it because it’s a fact… A fact that I now know how to correct going forward but how I wish Eloise that I knew 7 months ago what I know now. It’s just not fair.

I’ve said it more than 100 times sweet baby but I do hope you know how loved you are and how much we wish you could have stayed. I’ve been told that it’s a child’s free will to come into this world or not but Eloise I just don’t understand why you would leave us and choose to be with all those who have gone before us. I’m sure there’s a reason… a purpose, something that maybe one day when we finally meet that I will understand – why you choose to leave us, but I know I will spend the rest of this lifetime wondering and missing you.

Your daddy and I are doing our best but some days I know it feels as though we’re drowning in grief. Please wrap us in your love sweet peanut. Help us to know you’re still here with us even though we cannot see you. I carried you every day for your whole life… and I’ll spend every day of the rest of mine loving you and missing you baby girl.

Love You Forever and Always,

Mommy